“Where do I begin? Where do I go from here?” If you haven’t noticed from my past blogs, I love asking questions. Especially to the One who holds all the answers. Honestly, I think Jesus loves it when we ask questions. He’s not afraid of them. They don’t make Him doubt Himself or fall off His throne nor do they question and doubt His sovereignty. I think they position us to grow and trust Him and learn things about His nature and character. Don’t ever be afraid to ask God questions. Even if He doesn’t answer right away, lay all of them at His feet. He will take good care of them.
Several months ago, I was journaling to Jesus and I wrote out one of my most honest prayers about my heart and where I was at. I was desperate. I was in pain and I felt like I was bracing my heart for another blow of disappointment and rejection. So I was crying out for Jesus to intercede on my behalf and walk me out of this season. What is interesting is that when I stopped to allow Him to speak, He surprised me. Here is what I wrote down as I listened:
“Kristen, there are no expectations for you in this moment. You are bracing yourself even now. You have been in this place for quite a while. You’re searching, striving, killing yourself to move, to breakthrough, to even earn and feel worthy of the next season. Rest is hard when you aren’t in a place you want to stop. You want to keep going so that it will go by faster or want to shut down, zone out, fall asleep, numb it all out so that time will simply pass. As if, spiritual seasons are like physical ones. They are if you know what all goes into the seasons changing. But from your perspective, they just happen with time. Therefore, time must be the answer, making time pass must be the way to make the seasons change. But it isn’t just time that determines the season. It’s the active pursuit of surrendering and yielding to my Father and what He has placed into motion. It’s the delight my Father has in process. This is rest.”
I know that at this point, you are probably wondering why in the world I titled this blog “Thankfulness.” Don’t worry I am getting there. Last weekend, I woke up to a massive weight of weariness on my heart. It was a weariness of waiting. I feel like my whole like has been nothing but waiting at times. Waiting for marriage, waiting for songs to come out of me. Waiting for dreams that Jesus and I dreamt up together to come to pass—for promises to be fulfilled. Just waiting to feel like I’m doing what I was put on this earth to do. And I can feel the spirit of disappointment and rejection beginning to rise up and tell me once again that I didn’t make the cut. It’s not my turn. Then, as if on cue, Suzy Striving comes walking in. She begins to tell me that I need to do this, try that, change this, stop that. Suddenly she is interrupted but Harvey Hopeless yelling from the other room. They begin arguing as he declares I am never going to make it.
Isn’t it funny how lies can even argue with each other. We like to think one might be the lesser of two evils but the truth is they are both just lies and they are both evil. Neither of them come from the heart and Voice our good Father.
As they continue to argue, I find my mind be overtaken with angst and anxiety. Irrational fear begins to settle in and I now believe that it’s always going to be this way. This must be it for me.
In my heart’s most fragile state, again bracing myself for one more blow that will surely finish me off, I go before Jesus and I ask Him “Where do I go from here? How do I begin?”
Thankfulness. When in doubt be thankful.
The beauty of thankfulness is it silences the enemy like nothing else. Because it creates a resolve in your gut, confidence in your heart, and steadfastness in your mind. I have found that when I stop and thank God for my season instead of complaining about it, it awakens the ground beneath me. In fact, it awakens everything around me and inside me. Because it ignites my faith to not lean on my own abilities, strength nor my understanding but on the One who is able to do immeasurably more than I could ask or imagine.
In my discipleship group, we have been going through the book of Colossians. I found the Holy Spirit constantly highlighting the importance of thankfulness, but one verse in particular really struck me. Colossians 3:17 “And whatever you do or say, do it as representative of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks THROUGH HIM to God the Father.”
Thankfulness isn’t a gift we give the Father. It is a gift He gives us through Jesus. It is a way to see His perspective and heart through all things and it is a way we partner with Him and His plan. It’s how we surrender and yield to all that He has put into motion.
And suddenly it seems the season changes.
kristenmhicks 
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