Regret

I’m sitting here in the 4am coffee shop, having a moment. It’s so interesting how moments change us. How one simple word, or statement, or question can shift our thinking and suddenly we realize something about ourselves we never noticed before. I read this book a good bit of the time when I’m spending time with Jesus. It’s called “Cultivate: The Process of Living From Your Heart.” There are actually 5 Volumes. And I know what some of you are thinking, “but ‘the heart is is the most deceitful of all things, and desperately wicked.’ (Jeremiah 17:9) We aren’t supposed to live from the heart.” True. Definitely not in that state. But we are supposed to love God with ALL of our heart, and live from that place. Anyway, back to my story. Every day in this book, they give some kind of Jesus prompt. Today the focus was on “Growing Older.” This is some of what it said:

“We are always growing older, every season and every moment… Sometimes we want life to speed up, and then all of a sudden we want it to slow down. I wonder at what age it all changes and instead of looking forward, we start looking back. I wonder if it is possible to live a life so alive and full that regret never has permission to have an audience with us. I wonder if our lives could be so consumed with beauty and intentionality every day that we only look back with joy and fondness at the memory of our lives. Ask the Holy Spirit to begin to remove regret from your life. Ask Him to give you the grace and desire to live every day completely engaged, that you would love all the moments, great or small, and find fullness in this human experience.”

Regret. This is the word that struck something in my heart. What I understood was, regret isn’t just about seasons past, with mistakes we’ve made, it can also sneak into the present season. Here is the definition: Regret- feel sad, repentant, or disappointed over (something that has happened or been done, especially a loss or a missed opportunity).

Some of you know about how the Lord completely wrecked my heart on some things while I was at WorshipU. But for those of you who don’t know, I’ll explain briefly. I was sitting in a session Amanda Cook was leading. She asked us all to close our eyes and ask Holy Spirit for one word that He wanted to say to us. When we had our word, we were to put our hand on our heart. My word was the word “held.” As I sat there and allowed that word to wrap me up, the Lord began to speak to me. He showed me my hands and how they were balled up into fists. Gripping, holding on tight to two things— disappointment and rejection. He explained to me that I was holding onto them as if they were badges of honor, things I had survived, they were a part of my story. I had bought into the cultural mentality of “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” But like a good Papa, the Lord gently said to me, “I never meant for you to hold those things, Kristen. Because of them, you’ve believed a lie about Me. You believe that I am withholding good things from you. But the truth is, how can you receive anything if your hands are full.” At that statement, I broke. However, even in my brokenness, I wasn’t sure how to just let go of these things. I began practicing opening my hands up as a prophetic act. When I went home that night, I began to write out my heart in a song—writing what I knew to be true even if I didn’t fully feel it yet. 

“I know, I know, I know You’re with me. I know, I know, I know You’re for me. Here I am, my heart is open, to Your love and all You’ve spoken. I believe You’re not withholding good from me. I’m letting go of disappointment, my need to know I place in Your hands. Cause I believe You’re not withholding good from me.” 

I’m still singing my way out of this. Healing takes time. Time isn’t what heals us, the Father does, but I know He likes to take His time to do so. And He is so incredibly patient and faithful. I haven’t been caught up, stressing, striving about changing my behavior of not feeling rejected and not feeling disappointed. Because quite honestly, that never works. It only seems to highlight it and make it worse. Instead, I decided to just trust that the Lord would begin pruning and correcting and transforming and changing the way I think and act.

This morning was one of those moments, I think. After I read about “Growing Older” I journaled this.

Papa, I feel disappointed about the season I’m in. I don’t want to feel that way. I feel like I’ve lived this way for a really long time. Like everything I’ve done and am doing has just been passing time until I reach the next season. As if the promise is greater than the process. That none of what I’m doing now actually matters until I can have that one thing.

The reality is every day is precious. Every season is important and all of the seasons need each other. They rely on each other in order to produce good fruit. I don’t want shallow roots, I don’t want rotten fruit, and I don’t want to be a fruitless tree. So I will yield, not to the season, but to the Father, and allow Him to be present with me in whatever season I am in, rather than only living for the next one.

This reminds me of another night I had with the Lord at WorshipU. I was sitting on the floor in my room and I was praising God and thanking Him for the gift of singleness. This season hasn’t been an easy one, but it hasn’t been waste. It hasn’t been dull or boring, and it doesn’t nullify me as a person. It’s grounded me. It’s allowed me the honor and privilege to get to know God— as Lord, as Papa, as Friend and as everything in between. And so as I get older I will always be present, I will always praise, I will always be thankful, I will always remember. And I will never regret.