Here I Am….What Do Ya Think?

I have been wrestling with writing this blog. But I just keep coming back to it.

Just like the seasons of our world overlap and don’t always change when we think they are going to, the seasons that we walk through with Jesus do the same. Then sometimes we don’t even realize the change. One day we wake up and all the leaves are a different color. Then the next day they are all on the ground. Change happens quickly and suddenly. You wake one day and nothing about your life looks the same anymore. And there is no stopping it. I feel as if I’m speaking of it like it’s a bad thing. I’m not, or not trying to anyway, but I don’t want you to be fooled it’s enticing features, change is hard…even if it is good and right, it’s still hard.

I’ve been in this season of change, if you will, for a little over a year and a half. But the interesting thing about this season is that the further I get into it the less I believe it’s a season… and the less I believe I’ve only been in it for a year and a half.

Do you know what the scariest thing about falling in love is? If you have ever fallen in love you know the answer, whether you realize you do or not. The scariest thing about falling in love is the fear of not being loved in return. It’s true. We all want to be accepted. To be seen for all that we really are and to still be loved anyway. And just as much as we want to be seen and loved and accepted, we also want to see someone else for who they really are and love and accept them. We want to love loving them! It’s how we were created. Isn’t that what falling in love is at it’s truest core? So here I say again, the scariest thing about falling in love is the fear of not being loved in return. Here I am…what do ya think?

I personally think that is why the divorce rate is so high. It’s not because people quit trying. I could be wrong but in some cases it just seems like people are fighting the wrong battle. They are trying to win back “what they had” when really “what they had” was never real anyway. Brokenness isn’t exactly an attractive quality. And admitting to being a mess only brings out weakness that no one seems to want to face with themselves much less someone else. So we hide. We cover up. Wear a mask. We replace. We fill our lives with noise and surround ourselves with people. We obsess ourselves with anything and everything that will help to not think or have to deal with “the” thing, whatever it may be. Our mess. Our brokenness.

And we hurt ourselves. Because the person that people end up falling in love with isn’t even us. It’s a version of us. A version worthy of falling in love with. Because we are kidding ourselves if we believe anyone could ever fall in love with the real us. That’s too scary anyway.

We have reason to have this fear. As much as I would like to sit here and tell you otherwise, the fear has fruit. Good ole rotten fruit. We have lived in this way of hiding for so long that some of us have even mastered the art of hiding our true person from ourselves. Therefore, we can look on at others who are not so skillful in their ways and pity them, or judge them. Please hear my heart in this. I am not using this as a way to judge the judging or to vent out my own bitterness. I am simply pointing out the fruit of this fear.

I promise I’m getting to more of a point in all this. I’m just trying to figure out how to say it. Because it’s important.

Someone recently told me to go watch the Ragamuffin Gospel movie. (Thank You) It actually brought me back once again to the point of the so called “season” I’ve been in. I’m slowly learning that it’s really more like the point in general.

The Lord keeps bringing me back to this. I’ve wrote about it, even on here. I’ve sang about it. But still I fall short of actually getting it. Living in it. It’s just simply this….fall in love with Jesus and find the courage to let Him love you back. Falling in love with Jesus and all of who He really is, is the same as falling in love with a person. There is still a fear there. And it’s still the fear of not being loved in return. We want to love Jesus but not let Him love us in return, which really is us forfeiting our love for Him, not just from Him. What is interesting, however, is that He already does see us and accept us for even more than what we know we are. So then why the fear? The fear is shame. The fear is thinking that there is no freaking way the Creator of the universe could love someone like me. The fear is a lie. It’s a box we put Him in. It’s putting Him on the human level rather than accepting that fact that He is in a league all His own.

But honestly that’s not even the hard part. The hard part of letting The Lord love you is “fully” letting Him love you by having all of you. Oh my! He takes loving us to a whole new level….actually make that a whole new game. Letting Him love you means sometimes He is gonna show up when you don’t exactly want Him to. Or completely separating you for all that you know and all that is comfortable. Letting Him love you will sometimes bring you to a place where you are a total outcast and misfit all of a sudden, even around people you have known for years. Letting Him love you is sometimes going through lots of loneliness and periods of suffering. And the interesting thing about it all…is that in the midst of letting Him love you, you realize who He really, truly is and fall absolutely head over hills in love with Him back. You just thought you loved Him before.

Or so I’m told. Hey I’m in the middle of all this. I haven’t actually figured it out or made it to the other side or anything. A friend of mine told me, however, and I loved this, she said that once you do come out on the other side, at least of the hard part, no one can EVER take that love away from you again. And you will never try to replace it, not only because it truly is a treasure, but as she said, because of the hell you went through to find it and get it.

I want to end with this. And I’m so sorry I have written so much, I hope I haven’t completely lost you or bored you to death. I honestly write more for myself than you…opps lol But I hope you find encouragement in it anyway. I wanted to end with this youtube clip of Brennan Manning. It is truly the heart of all The Lord has been bringing me to, on more levels than one. Hope you find some truth in it. And it gives you the courage to go before The Lord and say “Here I am…What do Ya think?”


5 thoughts on “Here I Am….What Do Ya Think?

Add yours

  1. Okay, so you don’t really know me (I know who you are and I’ve seen you around So hills, but I don’t know if you know who I am), but I felt compelled to say this: this blog post was SO good. You really have a way of putting into words feelings that are hard to explain. I’ve read a lot of your posts so far, and I just thought you should know that you really can touch people by being willing to write stuff like this. So thank you.

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